so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
