the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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