Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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