I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
