i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
