you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Send help, water and tortillas.
3 2 1 whiskey
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
