the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
