Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
