Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
