and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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