is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
