My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
