Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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