i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
