I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize