My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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