Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
