I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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