This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
