You just made me feel so damn special
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
