I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
