Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
