Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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