I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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