Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
