the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
