You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
