News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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