You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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