After last night, I could never be a politician.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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