Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
