Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
