Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
