I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
