I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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