Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
