My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
