Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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