I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
