About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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