smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
