is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
