8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
