Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
