I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
