mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
