Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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