There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
