I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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