some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
