hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Randomize
