According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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