I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
