We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize