Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
