Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
