PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
