I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
